"Pick Wisely, Treat Kindly"
Jul. 1st, 2010 03:12 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
crazychicknladyThere is a thread on the horse forum that is driving me nuts. (I just realized none of you will be able to read the thread since it's in a members only adult section, but I'm leaving the link in for my future reference).
This 36 year old woman (so she was 29 when she had her first kid, you know, old enough to know better) comes on saying she has two kids (7 and 2) from a 13 year relationship (she said it was a common law marriage - I think that means they never took vows nor had a ceremony, just have been living together for so long the law sees them as married). She has decided that all these years she has been suppressing her opinion and letting him run roughshod over her, oh and by the way he's a great Dad.
She's finally left him and has immediately gotten into a relationship with another, older, man who has been in love with her for a few years.
She is torn between being happy with this new guy and being miserable, but with her kids full time, with the old guy.
Most of the responses have been assuming the first guy is an emotional abuser and good on her for getting out, your kids are better off with you happy, yadda yadda, yadda.
I have been painted as a supporter of abuse, because I insisted she look at where she screwed up in the relationship, and consider (assuming he's not an abuser) going back and making the relationship a good one with caring and efforts of kindness on her part (oh yeah, and counseling for the two of them, since they obviously have serious communication problems in their relationship).
You know choice number C.
Also, if he is an abuser, she should stay the hell out of any new relationships for a long time - preferably until her kids are grown and gone, but at least until she figures out why she spent 13 years in an abusive relationship, and makes sure she doesn't end up in one unhealthy relationship after another - because her kids deserve better than that.
No one seems to get that her kids are getting screwed over in this situation. Everyone keeps saying how much better off they will be to see her in a healthy relationship - well sure, if she is ever capable of one (the odds of it being the first guy she sleeps with after a 13 year relationship are way way way off the scale bad).
*head desk*
The choice is not between being a good Mom and unhappy, or abandoning your kids (at least half the time) and being happy. We make little choices throughout the day, that can help each day be better or worse. She could choose to do right by her kids, and still be happy - in fact, long term, she does right by her kids by deciding that being a good Mom and decent wife does make her happy.
Dr Laura often says, "Choose wisely, treat kindly".
This lady may have screwed up in the choose wisely department (in which case, getting herself out of that relationship may be the best thing overall), but much more likely is she and her husband both screwed up in the treat kindly department.
This 36 year old woman (so she was 29 when she had her first kid, you know, old enough to know better) comes on saying she has two kids (7 and 2) from a 13 year relationship (she said it was a common law marriage - I think that means they never took vows nor had a ceremony, just have been living together for so long the law sees them as married). She has decided that all these years she has been suppressing her opinion and letting him run roughshod over her, oh and by the way he's a great Dad.
She's finally left him and has immediately gotten into a relationship with another, older, man who has been in love with her for a few years.
She is torn between being happy with this new guy and being miserable, but with her kids full time, with the old guy.
Most of the responses have been assuming the first guy is an emotional abuser and good on her for getting out, your kids are better off with you happy, yadda yadda, yadda.
I have been painted as a supporter of abuse, because I insisted she look at where she screwed up in the relationship, and consider (assuming he's not an abuser) going back and making the relationship a good one with caring and efforts of kindness on her part (oh yeah, and counseling for the two of them, since they obviously have serious communication problems in their relationship).
You know choice number C.
Also, if he is an abuser, she should stay the hell out of any new relationships for a long time - preferably until her kids are grown and gone, but at least until she figures out why she spent 13 years in an abusive relationship, and makes sure she doesn't end up in one unhealthy relationship after another - because her kids deserve better than that.
No one seems to get that her kids are getting screwed over in this situation. Everyone keeps saying how much better off they will be to see her in a healthy relationship - well sure, if she is ever capable of one (the odds of it being the first guy she sleeps with after a 13 year relationship are way way way off the scale bad).
*head desk*
The choice is not between being a good Mom and unhappy, or abandoning your kids (at least half the time) and being happy. We make little choices throughout the day, that can help each day be better or worse. She could choose to do right by her kids, and still be happy - in fact, long term, she does right by her kids by deciding that being a good Mom and decent wife does make her happy.
Dr Laura often says, "Choose wisely, treat kindly".
This lady may have screwed up in the choose wisely department (in which case, getting herself out of that relationship may be the best thing overall), but much more likely is she and her husband both screwed up in the treat kindly department.
no subject
Date: 2010-07-02 01:06 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-07-02 10:47 pm (UTC)